


In The Times Before

by gaialux



Category: Oz (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Child Abuse, Coda, Drug Use, M/M, Pre-Series, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 02:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaialux/pseuds/gaialux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan remembers there was a time before, a time before he made everything go to hell - or maybe this is the time that started it all. A coda, of sorts, for episode 6.06.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In The Times Before

**Author's Note:**

> Some crazy stylistic choices to be found within. Incest, language, references to child abuse and drugs, and lotsa swearing will also be found. All sexual content occurs prior to Cyril getting his ABI (but is referenced to begin when Cyril is 15 and Ryan is 16). One racial slur.
> 
> Oz does not belong to me. This piece of fiction was written for entertainment purposes only, no profit is gained.

_1._

He always lies to Cyril.

Lies about his hair growing back, lies about the fucking  _execution_ , and in the times before he lied about the women he fucked, lied about the jobs he took, lied about the money he made. He lies because he's an asshole, and he's finally starting to accept that. Ryan O'Reily is a fucking asshole and he's not  _protecting_ Cyril, he's just being a cunt.

Doesn't mean he'll ever stop lying.

* * *

_2._

The last time Cyril cut his hair he was fourteen. His own act of rebellion when he hit highschool, and Dad beat him every single day because of that. Called him a  _girl_ , called him a  _fag_ , and it was around that time Cyril stopped caring. Stopped listening. And Ryan did the same.

They stuck it out for the year. One year. Then they went and started a meth lab further in the ghetto, and Ryan continued Cyril's  _higher education_ of reading, writing, and arithmatic with recipies and chemicals. He threw in science for free because, hey, Ryan's a generous guy and he always looks after his baby brother.

That's about the time they start fucking.

Ryan says it's the hair.

* * *

_3._

It's when Cyril's lying there with him that it hits.

Not  _he's dying_. Nah. That hit a long time ago, a long, long time ago when Cyril slammed that shank into that Chink's body. Not that Ryan's gonna let it happen, but he can think logically about it by now. Still churns his gut, still makes him want to scream, but he knows how to stop it. It's okay. Really.

No. What hits him is  _this_. It's the past. That messed up, crazy, fucked-to-hell childhood and teenage years they had. When it was freezing cold in that abandoned warehouse and chemicals were bubbling and buzzing around them.

"We could die," Cyril said. "What if it blows up?"

"I ever let anything happen to you?"

"No."

"Then shut up and go to sleep."

Cyril does. Half-naked and curled around Ryan's body because, for some reason, it's warmer with skin on skin. This is their home now, their life now, and it's like they're in their own little world where brother fucking brother isn't as sick as Ryan thought it should be. Because when he's fucking Cyril nothing else matters, _nothing_ , not even their dead mother  _(not really, Ma's here now)_ or their asshole father. It's just Ryan and Cyril against the world.

That's the way it should always stay, really.

* * *

_4.1._

He can't stop crying and it's pathetic.

Before this year, he hardly ever cried. The last time he remembers is when Cyril was in the hospital and the doctor told him that his brother has an  _Aquired Brain Injur_ _y_. And he says it like Cyril has some fucking broken leg or some shit like that. Like it'll be fixed if they just wait it out long enough, take some perscription drugs, and he hobbles on crutches for the next six to eight weeks. _  
_

It takes Ryan a long, long time to figure out that Cyril's like this for good. Then he goes crazy and, well, everyone knows where that story leads.

* * *

_4.2._

They were all so wrong.

So wrong.

But Ryan can't regret it.

He can't regret what they did.

* * *

_4.3._

He's throwing up his guts and it reminds him of the first time. The first time after they  _fucked_ and Ryan realised there was no going back.  _No going back_. They're brothers and they fucked and there's so many things wrong with him.

But Cyril rubs circles on his back and says it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

* * *

_4.4._

Cyril's whole life comes down to a journal written by a hack outlining his last hours alive.

Before that Cyril's whole life came down to a journal written by his brother outlining their drug trades.

It's all death. Sometimes things never change.

* * *

_4.5._

Before that crying episode, he cried in a dark alley while Cyril tried to make him stop. He doesn't even know  _why_ he was crying. A bad trip or something. Must've been. He just knows that he can't stop and he can't breathe and he grips Cyril's jacket so hard his fingertips throb and they're probably  _broken_ at this point, but it doesn't matter. He can't think of anything that matters. Just staying alive and being able to breathe and having Cyril  _here_ with him, because Cyril is the anchor in this big fucking world and Ryan's tired of running. So tired.

Cyril kisses him once, softly, and that slows the crying. Slows it because when they fuck there's no kissing. Nothing like that. Just raw bodies and Ryan looking at the back of Cyril's head, at that long, beautiful, _girly_ blonde hair. But this time they fuck against the wall and Cyril's looking at him face to face. Then he says, "I love you."

_I love you._

That stops everything because  _I love you_. Cyril hasn't said  _I love you_ since he was five years old and that's what the teachers at school told him to do. "I love you Dad, I love you Mom, I love you Ryan." Punch. Slap. Punch.

Yeah, Ryan regrets that. And that's why he can't bring himself to say  _I love you_ back. He thinks Cyril gets it, because he kisses him again.

The way Cyril says  _I love you_ now is just like the first time. It's never, ever like the second time. It will never, ever be like the second time  _ever_ again.

It hurts more than it should.

* * *

_4.6._

Finally, finally he wants to say  _I love you_  because he does. He  _did_. He always did and always will.

But he can't.

* * *

_4.7._

He looks at Cyril one last time and for a minute thinks  _fuck it_ , because he doesn't see a brother with an injury. He sees the most important person in his  _life_ standing there. The person who protected his life more times than Ryan can ever recall, can ever make up for. He sees someone he wants to shake until he remembers, someone he wants to  _love_ in a way that goes beyond best friends and brothers.

But he can't.

Maybe this is Ryan's punishment. The one he'll have to take with himself to the grave.

He'll be dead soon.

He'll never be able to survive without Cyril.

* * *

_5._

_Thank you God._


End file.
